CEOs come in all shape and sizes, but if you really want to know what kind you’re dealing with, you should understand that shapes and sizes don’t matter. Assessment of your CEO is measured by hair. Show me your CEO’s facial hair game plan, and I’ll tell you what kind of guy he is. It’s the definitive connection between physical characteristics and leadership qualities. Why facial hair? Why not waistline?
Simple. Facial hair is the one physical characteristic every man can completely control. You can’t help it if you’re going bald. You can’t help if you’re short, and you can’t take credit if you’re tall. You can eat right and exercise, but many people struggle with these things, and if you fail, it can hardly be ascribed to a lack of character or moral fortitude.
Ah, but the way you wield that razor tells us everything about you. Ten minutes a day—and everyone has that—is all you need to be in complete control of your facial destiny: where to shave, whether to shave, how often to shave. So the way that hair on your face looks is exactly the way you want it to look. And you know it.
That said, you can detect patterns connecting CEO facial hair to CEO behavior. But I’ll save you the trouble. Just keep this column handy, and you’ll know exactly what you’re getting into. Here are the stereotypes, er, I mean groupings:
The Full Beard. You might think Bearded CEO is lazy, because he doesn’t take the time to shave at all. I’ll agree if he doesn’t even bother to clean up his neck, but most CEOs with beards take care of the neck and, in that case, you’re looking at someone who’s adventurous and up for a challenge.
Full Beard CEO may be thinking about the latest innovation to make the Internet obsolete, or he may be planning to install solar panels on top of corporate headquarters.
Now, be warned, if it looks like he’s gone more than three months without trimming the darn thing, everything I’ve written here is null and void, and he’s just going through a grimy phase. Just stay away from him. And if he disappears to a Swiss chalet for several months to “meditate” and returns with an even longer beard, put out résumés.
The Mustache. First of all, if anyone under 40 wears a mustache, he’s probably a porn star. Do with this information what you will, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Older-generation mustache-wearers place a premium on being distinguished and serious. They’ll want you diligently focused on your work during your time on duty, and will appreciate professional dress and respectful use of titles like “Mister.”
Mustache Man is a relic of a bygone era, and that’s not all bad. He’s probably learned a lot in his years in business, and when he looks askance at some of the hijinks that go on in the modern-day office, he probably has good reason.
Keep in mind that, when Mustache Man shows up at the company picnic in khaki shorts and dark socks, he’s really trying his best to relax—but it’s just not his thing. Make sure before the picnic starts that you remembered the Grey Poupon.
The Soul Patch. Those little patches of hair right below the lip? Billy Ray Cyrus has one. You can tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, that soul patches look ridiculous on most people, but especially on business people. If your CEO has one, he’s probably under 35 and has a skateboard in his office somewhere.
If you’re in the software industry, don’t despair. People expect him to look and act like that. But if you work for, say, an accounting firm, be afraid. Your CEO is either going through a midlife crisis or is much too young to need one, in which case he probably shouldn’t be running your company.
The soul patch disqualifies most people from being CEOs simply because it so often looks plain silly. If you don’t know this about yourself, how are you supposed to make a decision about payroll planning or product rollouts?
You’re not a billy goat. If this is hard for you to understand, I can’t even imagine what you’ll do with a balance sheet.
The Goatee. Here’s your biggest problem. The goatee fad is about 12 years old and shows no sign of abating, although I wake up every day dreaming of its brutal death.
Goatees signal two of the worst possible traits for a CEO: pack-following and sheer laziness. Who thought a goatee looked good 20 years ago? A few relief pitchers who were trying to intimidate hitters. A few satanists. That was pretty much it. Then they started showing up all over the place.
That’s a bona fide fad. There’s no way around it. If you started the fad, you’re a moron and you deserve to be put to death. If you grew anything from the second goatee to the 34 millionth, you’re just a gutless follower. And you’re lazy. You only shaved the easy parts of your face. The cheeks and the neck? That’s child’s play. It’s above and below the lip and on the chin where you really have to work at a clean, close shave. So if you do the easy part and leave the hard part, what kind of executive are you going to be?
The Clean Shave. Now, as you might imagine, I belong to this group and consider it the best. But it’s not without its problems.
The clean-shaven CEO feels no need to make a statement about himself with hair on his face. Skin is all he needs. It keeps the blood from spilling all over the place. Everything else is just a mess.
The clean-shaven CEO is comfortable with who he is. He’s probably good-looking as well. I know I am.
But there are some reasons to be suspicious. Some CEOs really want to belong to one of the other groups but are afraid to do so. Al Gore is like this. He is the CEO of Global Warming Inc. He grew a beard soon after he lost the presidential election, but quickly shaved it because he wasn’t sure he should have it.
But you know he wanted to keep it. If your CEO really wants to grow a bushy beard, a silly soul patch or a porn-stache, but he’s walking around clean-shaven because he’s just too afraid to do it, I suggest you stage an insurrection and attempt to take over.
Your coup should succeed very easily. Once you’re running the show, act decisively and manage firmly. Oh, and before you do anything else, ban goatees. Those things are ridiculous.
