“D.F., I really want to talk to you about that, but it’ll have to wait until after the North American. Things are crazy!”
The North American? Are people now identifying themselves by continent of origin instead of country? Once he’s finished, I suppose the European will need something.
But of course, the North American is not a person at all. It’s a trade show. “The North American” is short for the North American Winding and Extracting Expo International. My customer has a presence there every year. Everyone who’s anyone in the winding and extracting industry has to be there! If you’re not there…
No one’s really sure how to finish that last sentence. It’s too frightening to contemplate. Trade shows are the business world’s ultimate we-have-to-do-it-to-avoid-the-horrors-of-not-doing-it proposition. Ultimately, though, trade show participation will have the following effect on your business:
Time Wasted. You’ll spend about one-third of the year on it. That includes three months preparing for it and at least a month “recovering” from it—whether that means the subsiding of a headache, recovering of aching feet or going out and buying replacements for everything you lost there.
Money Wasted. You think you can show up at “the North American” with a poster board and some business cards? That’s almost as bad as not showing up at all! These days, there are whole companies whose sole purpose is to make your display as gaudy and excessive as possible. Colors! Flashing lights! Multimedia! On-demand video! You need it all. You need it now. (I think I’m quoting Queen lyrics. You need a Queen song playing!)
Once you pay the trade show display consultants, pay for the materials, pay for the travel and accommodations for half your staff, pay for 500 new brochures (of which you’ll haul home 463) and, finally, pay for the advertising premiums you’ll try in vain to give away, your company will have spent all its annual marketing budget, half its office supply budget and some of its Christmas party fund. The total will come to $439 million. I added it up.
Business Lost. The only reason you don’t lose all your customers is that your competitors are just as worked up as you are getting ready for the North American. But it is possible to lose business to no one. Your customers can decide they don’t need what you sell at all—not from you, not from anyone. Who really needs winding and extracting, after all? Doesn’t the world manage to survive while all the winders and extractors are at the North American? Your customers are suddenly realizing the dumping and revolving industry offers some great values. Have fun at the North American, because when you get back, you’re screwed.
Drunkenness, orgies, etc. There are certain people you should never see drunk. Who? Pretty much everyone. But at the top of the list has to be your professional colleagues. Everyone will tell you that the real deals are not done on the trade show floor, but at the parties that go on afterward. This is the business world’s most blatant attempt to emulate the entertainment world. Post-Oscar parties. Post-trade show parties. Same thing!
You have to give a party. You have to invite all your customers, prospects, the trade press, suppliers and the guy who parks the cars at the convention hall. And you have to get them liquored up quickly, because they have to head off to your competitor’s party, too. Fortunately, all these parties are in the same hotel, so no one’s drinking and driving.
But hotels do have a lot of one thing, and that’s hotel rooms! That’s where people go after the parties. This is where the real deals are done: after the parties after the trade show. “What’s her name? How did she get here? Why am I wearing my shoe on my ear?”
If you’re lucky, she doesn’t work at your company, let alone in your department. If you’re really lucky, she’s not the wife of one of your customers. If you’re extremely lucky, all you did was watch one of your co-workers embarrass himself or herself by performing “Mickey” by Toni Basil (cheerleader outfit optional, but quite recommended) while all your customers were munching on stuffed mushrooms and having some quality time with Captain Morgan.
Hey, you brought your laptop with you to the North American, didn’t you? The hotel has wireless. Did you email the boss at 2 a.m. telling him what you really think of him? Are you sure? You might want to check. You know there’s no such thing as “unsend,” right?
You might want to consider skipping the North American this year. Since everyone is going, you’ll be the edgy, rebellious one if you skip it. Everyone loves to be edgy and rebellious. Why, I remember this one time when I was staying at a hotel and I unwrapped a bar of soap then never used it! Dangerous. But enough about me.
First, when the North American is about three months away, send emails to all your competitors’ customers announcing that while your competitors are getting ready for the North American (and are too busy to talk to them), you’re inventing an automobileextractorwhizzer that spins straw into gold. Sign it “Rumpelstiltskin Jones, Engineering Director.”
Next, announce that during the month of the North American, while all your competitors are finalizing hotel reservations and negotiating color separation details on their new brochures, you’ll provide all your competitors’ customers with the same service the competitors provide—for free!
You think this is insane? Fine. Spend the money on foam letters instead. I’ll do better than you.
Finally, when all your competitors are recovering from their North American hangovers, sneak into their offices and set off the fire alarms. They’ll end up in the hospital for a week! Then just think of the business you can steal.
I’m sure they’ll miss you at the North American, but you know people always make new friends at trade shows. Unless, of course, you just wanted to go for the parties. If that’s the case, I’ll be glad to send you. Maybe while you’re at one of them, one of my competitors will get drunk enough to give you a job.
