The insightful business coverage at USA Today is unparalleled– thankfully. I just opened up The Nation’s Screaming Kaleidoscope to discover it’s advising America’s workers on how to scope out the true character of their bosses. Judge him by the car he drives.
Data is fantastic. The misreading of it is priceless:
“How the boss gets to work might seem a relatively innocuous thing. But people pay close attention to what their CEO drives. Only 10 percent of nearly 3,000 people asked didn’t know what their chief drives, according to a survey by TheLadders.com, a job-search site for those making a minimum of $100,000. While that might not represent the typical employee, it shows there’s a keen interest in what kind of wheels the person at the helm of the company has.”
Or it might show that, when people go with the boss to meetings, he drives. Just a guess. But why look for the simplest explanation when you can read in some deep, sociological meaning and fill editorial space with it?
Yes, there are times when a person’s automotive purchase tells you something about him. I once worked for a man who lost his biggest account, laid off 30 percent of his staff, then went out and bought a Porsche to make himself feel better. Not only that, but he took a picture of it, framed it and put it on his desk so he could look at it—which was funny, because it was parked right outside his office window. Then again, what if some fat guy stood in the way? The desk photo was an important fail-safe.
Yes, the whole Porsche imbroglio told us something about old Stan. But the operative information wasn’t in the choice of make and model. Under more sane circumstances, he could have bought and driven a Porsche and it could have meant nothing whatsoever.
But don’t tell that to USA Today! Its business-psycho-analysis operation is in overdrive (and yes, I intended the pun).
“Of all the products in the world, cars are the most reliable representation of an individual’s personality,” says Golden Gate University psychology chair Kit Yarrow in the USA Today story.
I have a question for Chair Yarrow. Who says any product is a reliable representation of an individual’s personality? I could say: “No landscape maneuver better reflects your deep need for love than your mowing pattern.” Maybe I could be quoted as a Botanical Romance Consultant. Get me USA Today’s number right now.
But let’s say that a product can serve as a reliable representation of a boss personality. Why is a car the best example? I say the following products are at least as good, if not better:
Underwear. Boxers? Briefs? Thong? White? Black? Purple? Super heroes? Underwear tells you everything about a person. Granted, you don’t generally get to see it, but I don’t recall where that was a requirement.
Cell phone. Does he have one of those banana things that he sticks in his ear? The full-scale BlackBerry with web browser? One of those thin flip phones about the size of a business card? Or is he a retro-phoner, walking around with one of those mombo things from the ’80s? Hey, I’m told retro is the new modern. Your phone says everything about you. Why? Because I said so, and I am D.F. Krause, chairman of the psychology department at the University of Giggles and Fits. Do not question me.
Music collection. Is there any Michael Bolton or Billy Ray Cyrus? Maybe that shows he’s unembarrassed being himself. Or maybe it shows he was a trend follower 15 years ago and hasn’t been paying attention to pop culture since then. Is it replete with classic rock staples like Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones and the Who? Then you’ll probably find him playing air guitar in his office. That’s a cool guy. He could drive a Yugo and he’d still be cool.
Desk chair. Is it one of those overstuffed leather jobs? Probably indicates he’s a little too into the whole CEO persona. But what if he went to a Genesis concert in 1972 and stole the seat from behind Tony Banks’ keyboard rig? Someone did, you know. That would tell you something.
Chain saw. You’d have to check his garage. If it’s a Black and Decker, he’s a real man. If it’s a Sears model, he has secret fantasies about Ellen DeGeneres—and I don’t think I have to tell you how deranged that is.
Anyone can make up some way of assessing their boss’ personality. If it’s good enough for you, it’s probably good enough for USA Today.
I drive a Nissan Altima. Know why? Because when I got to the lot to trade in my old Nissan Altima, it was close to the door. I’ve driven Nissans since 1993. I’m on my fifth. Why? Force of habit.
On occasion, when I drive Mrs. Krause’s Impala, I find the experience of reaching for the buttons counterintuitive. Now, a psychology chair at some university might conclude that this indeed says something about me—that I get used to something and I just keep doing it that way.
I guess. But the choice of that first Nissan 15 years ago was quite random and happenstance. My ex-sister-in-law’s ex-stepmother happened to be working at the Nissan dealership that particular week and asked me to come by because I happened to mention I was tired of driving my crappy Ford Tempo.
I think her name was Judy. I’m not even sure. But if Judy had been working at a Buick dealership, I might be driving a Riviera today.
I wonder how many people really even put that much thought into what kind of car they drive. My theory is that very few people do, but those who do then project the same car obsession onto everyone else. Some of them become psychology chairs at universities. Some become reporters at USA Today. Very few become CEOs, because who has time to sit around and think about such nonsense when you have a company to run?
If you want to psychoanalyze your boss on the basis of what kind of car he drives, keep in mind: Big means overcompensation. Little means a speed fixation. Red means he’s hiding something. Black means you’re fired.
Now you’ll never get these 10 minutes of your life back, and your boss is driving to lunch with your prospective replacement.
