They say all good things must come to an end. Why? Who knows.1 But because “they” say it, it must be true. And, in this instance, it certainly is.
Eleven years ago, I embarked on my first—and to date, only—“real” career.2 Fresh out of law school, armed with enough confidence to choke a horse3 and enough skill to assist nobody, I began serving the good side of the force by protecting companies from the dark side of business operations—their own employees. Over 11 years, on more than one occasion, I thought I’d seen all employment law had to offer—from daytime office sexual encounters4, to weaponry, to blatant drug use at work; indeed, the trilogy of sex, drugs and violence that comprised the title of my first column in this magazine three years ago. Some of the behaviors (of both employers and employees) I’ve been involved in dealing with are so incredibly odd that the mere recitation can make most employers feel much better about their more trivial issues, which all too often seem like major emergencies.
So, I compiled a list of the more interesting and ridiculous situations finding their way to my offices over the last decade. Disclaimer: If you ask yourself what the problem is with anything on the following list, you need to call your lawyer immediately.
• The security guard who thought it would be a career enhancing maneuver to show up to work with assault weaponry, show it to another security guard, and explain how he was going to use it to kill a manager or two.
• The employer who thought using hidden surveillance cameras in bathroom facilities would be a good way to deter drug use.
• Employees who believe it’s perfectly acceptable to show up to work under the influence of marijuana or other illicit drugs.
• The few of those same employees who think it’s perfectly acceptable to become under the influence of those same drugs while at work (even though they operate heavy equipment).
• The professional service firm that characterized all of its professionals as independent contractors.5
• The employee who, despite having a number of contemporaneous extramarital affairs, sued his employer for loss of consortium resulting from the termination of his employment.6
• And my all-time favorite: The young woman who identified herself as working for “ACME corporation”7 on her MySpace page and, in the same sentence, publicly asked to “borrow” bondage and discipline equipment that was—no joke—“preferably free of blood.”8
If I only had the column inches to give you the rest of the list.
Three years ago, my career odyssey took on a new twist, as I began writing this column, dispensing large nuggets of wisdom to a broad array of employers in the North Bay. It’s been an interesting adventure trying to provide timely and relevant information in a manner that was a wee-bit entertaining. Admittedly, some of the topics readily lent themselves to this concept (medicinal marijuana, the millennials’ collective lack of work ethic, David Letterman’s sexcapades). And for the past three years, I’ve enjoyed receiving your feedback and reading your hate mail.9
But now it’s time for my career to take a new direction, as I have chosen to retire from the field of labor and employment law. (I wish I could say I was retiring completely, but, alas, the Lottery Commission has not been appropriately cooperating!) In doing so, I leave a career that’s been not just filled with bizarre human behavior, but it’s also been both intellectually challenging and personally rewarding to assist so many local businesses in managing their human assets and legal risks. As for you and your organization, I wish you the best of luck and the most prosperous of endeavors. And, as always, thank you for reading.
1 According to the Prayer Book version of Psalms 119:96, all things (regardless of good) come to an end. Why the phrase perverted to include the term “good” appears to be a mystery. Be assured, it occurred prior to Nelly Furtado’s album.
2 I’m ignoring my brief stint as a pool boy.
3 It appears that some things never end, much less change.
4 It turns out that Seattle Grace Hospital (“Gray’s Anatomy”) isn’t the only workplace where routine sexual encounters between coworkers at work is commonplace. Probably the reason they say “art imitates life.”
5 We actually won that case. My all-time favorite victory.
6 This is one of those rare occasions where I’m just going to bite my tongue.
7 A fake corporate name. And don’t go looking for the profile on MySpace. It’s no longer there.
8 “Preferably”?? Really? Apparently, I’m a bit pickier about the hygienic quality of my borrowed equipment!
9 By the way, for the people who wrote the hate mail regarding the column on pets in the workplace (calling me, in paraphrase, a heartless bastard who likely tortured small animals), I’ll have you know my yellow lab comes to work with me every day. And, I only torture cats.
