The WillMar Family Grief and Healing Center in Sonoma provides compassionate peer group support for families coping with the death of someone close.
The loss of a loved one is a devastating experience. Losing a child, parent, husband or wife are some of the hardest losses to encounter. In some cultures, or groups within a culture, there’s an attempt to integrate the fact of mortality into everyday life, so members come to see death as normal and to face the fact that each of us makes that journey. In the United States, there’s a tendency to combat or deny the fact of death to the extent that life becomes an exercise in keeping thoughts of it at bay. No matter what the belief system, when a loss happens, it hits hard. It’s almost as though the denial and affirmation of death form two ends of a continuum along which we move.
In the 1960s and ’70s, Swedish American psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered methods in the support and counseling of the personal trauma, grief and grieving associated with death and dying. She also dramatically improved the understanding and practices in relation to bereavement and hospice care. Her ideas, notably the Five Stages of Grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), are also transferable to personal change and emotional upset resulting from other traumatic factors.
The WillMar way
WillMar Family Grief & Healing Center in Sonoma provides compassionate peer group support for families coping with the death of someone close. It also provides peer support services for children, teens and adults living with a family member suffering from a life-changing illness or injury. The center was originally founded in July 2000 as WillMar Center for Bereaved Children, a 501(c) (3) nonprofit organization, by marriage family therapist Nina Sagall Gorbach, to meet the needs of underserved, bereaved children by providing a safe, healing environment and compassionate support to grieve the death of a loved one from illness, accident, suicide or homicide.
Gorbach saw that many people who’d suffered a loss felt pressure to resolve their grief quickly, and that, other than hospice programs, there were no support groups or grieving centers to help people get in touch with and understand the grieving process. Gorbach started by working with seven children out of her home. Within a short time, the program expanded, and she opened WillMar, naming it in honor of her parents, William and Mary Sagall. In 2007, Gorbach became ill and retired as executive director.
Over time, the center’s mission expanded and, in 2010, it officially changed its name to WillMar Family Grief & Healing Center and expanded its services to welcome the entire family and community to participate in its free support services. Barbara Cullen, who’d been named program director in 2006, was promoted to executive director in 2011 (she’d begun working with WillMar as a guest artist facilitator in 2003). Cullen oversees a small paid staff (one full-time office administrator and two consulting clinical bereavement facilitators) as well as a team of more than 55 screened and trained volunteers, including three trained therapy dogs. In 2011, the center provided services for more than 207 participants.
Using the peer support group model and emphasizing the expressive arts, WillMar helps children and teens (ages 3.5 to 19) and adults as they learn to process the death or illness of someone important in their lives. Depending on the age of participants, they meet weekly or every other week in 1.5-hour sessions and use art and drama to share their unique stories and memories, while deepening their common connections of struggle, sadness and healing.
Since 2009, WillMar has provided Valley of the Moon Emergency Services (through a grant from Valley of the Moon Children’s Home Foundation) with two specialized peer support groups called the Here & Now Grief program, geared toward children who were suddenly removed from their home due to neglect or abuse (which can be quite traumatic and considered another form of loss). Children and teens within the two Here & Now groups use WillMar as a touch stone—a place providing consistent support where they can safely, honestly and creatively process the unique losses they’ve experienced. Each group is jointly facilitated by a professional clinician and specially trained program volunteers.
WillMar also provides free year-round emergency support to schools within all of Sonoma Valley, as well as schools in Kenwood and Napa, and for all organizations and businesses that have experienced a tragedy within their own community. In 2011, more than 1,150 children and teens, as well as staff, teachers and parents within Sonoma Valley schools, were provided with emotional support, psychoeducational support materials (in Spanish and English) and, perhaps most important, the knowledge they aren’t alone in their grief and healing. Since 2008, WillMar also has been an active member of Sonoma County Office of Education’s S.O.S. Support Team of professional clinicians and support volunteers, who provide emergency care and support to all Sonoma County schools.
Deborah Hill, marriage and family therapist (MFT), came to WillMar in 2001. Specializing in grief and loss, she facilitates teen and adult grief groups and provides consultation and training to WillMar volunteers. Having experienced the death of her husband 20 years ago, when her children were very young, she understands how important it is for children and families to have grief support. According to Hill, when a loss happens or there’s a terminal illness in a family, everyone is suddenly faced with their own vulnerability and can be unprepared for what’s happening. “When we lose someone we love, our grief can seem endless. WillMar provides a safe holding, where a bereaved child or adult can feel understood and less alone in their grief. The hardest times can be during the holidays and around birthdays or anniversaries,” Hill says. The goal, she explains, is not to advise or “fix” the situation but to respect each person’s right to grieve in his or her own way. “We believe that each person has the capacity to heal within them.”
Hill and Cullen work with volunteers, offering training workshops on the principles of grief and loss, communication skills and working with groups. One example of WillMar’s innovative therapies is the “BOP Room,” a padded room that’s a safe place for participants to express their high-energy feelings—including anger, sadness, anxiousness and grief—along with play. Often, having this experience brings great relief and helps participants deal with their feelings in a safe and productive way. “It’s important for children to deal with their grief so it doesn’t block their development,” Hill concludes.
Personal experiences
Tess Woodbury, 20, was 7 years old when her mother, Ellen Gibson Woodbury, 43, was diagnosed with gall stones, went in for surgery and discovered she had cancer. She passed away two months after the diagnosis. It was a devastating event for Tess and her then-10-year-old brother, Duncan. “I felt lost, alone, depressed and weird all at once. It was strange for me to think my mother was gone,” she reflects. She’d never experienced death before and it was hard on the entire family. “We lost our mother and my dad lost his wife,” she says.
Duncan was part of the first group of young people who participated in the WillMar program in 2001. He’d talk to Tess about the group and how much comfort it brought him, which helped both of them cope with what was happening. In the winter of that year, WillMar started a group for younger kids, and Tess was able to attend. The first day, Tess made a memory box filled with articles that reminded her of her mother. Participating with the other kids her age and making the box, which she still has, brought her a lot of comfort. “Being in a group where others are sharing the same experience helps you feel comforted. You don’t feel strange about your feelings, plus you’re getting nonjudgmental support,” she says.
Tess participated in the WillMar program through the rest of elementary school and the first year of middle school. The program helped her identify her grief through art, counseling and peer support. When she left, she was able to move on with her life and cope with the loss of her mother. Eventually, her Dad participated in the program as well. After graduating high school at age 17, Tess became a freshman at Santa Rosa Junior College—and a WillMar volunteer.
Scott Walthard can’t say enough about the support WillMar provided for his son, Owen. When his grandmother, Gayle “Bammie” Walthard, passed away in a car accident and then, one month later, the family dog Kana died suddenly, Owen became depressed and angry. Walthard believed his son would benefit from counseling, but at the time it was unaffordable. Fortunately, a friend recommended the WillMar program and Owen was able to attend. He says it helped his son understand the grieving process and how to cope with it and go on with life. Owen and his sister, Lindsey, attend a group every two weeks where they can discuss their issues and do artwork that helps them express their feelings. Walthard has seen a definite improvement in both of them and is grateful for what WillMar has provided.
Walthard believes every community should have a Willmar Center. As the owner of Papa Murphy’s Pizza in Sonoma, he supported his staff’s decision that, in lieu of taking their tips for themselves, they’d chose a charity in the area to donate to—and voted to donate the money to WillMar.
Community support
For almost a decade, Gloria Ferrer Caves & Vineyards has partnered with WillMar to raise funds for bereaved children while promoting sustainable agriculture. WillMar became part of the Gloria Ferrer family many years ago, when children of its cellar master benefited from the loving support of this unique, nurturing community organization.
Mike Crumly is vice president of production at Gloria Ferrer and the Sonoma County coordinator for the North American Bluebird Society (a conservation organization). He’s also a member of the WillMar board of directors and often directs his vineyard crew to construct bird boxes in the estate’s woodshop to fill down time. He’s been using bluebird boxes—small, wooden houses designed to attract nesting bluebirds—in Gloria Ferrer’s estate vineyards for more than 10 years to encourage habitation by bluebirds, which are beneficial to vineyards and farms, as they prey primarily on harmful insects (which reduces the need for chemical pesticides).
He was inspired to make bluebird boxes for the children at the WillMar Center to paint during a Gloria Ferrer Green Team meeting. “This project benefits the environment, bluebirds, vineyard workers and, most important, the children at WillMar,” says Crumly. The one-of-a-kind, hand-painted boxes are available in the Gloria Ferrer Tasting Room for $40 each (or whatever additional donation a guest wishes to make), with 100 percent of the sales and/or additional donations going to the WillMar Center.
“When the children paint the nest boxes, they feel they’re providing a safe, loving home for baby bluebirds,” says WillMar’s Cullen. “This type of therapeutic, expressive artwork is what our program is all about—as the children and teens help the birds, they’re also helping to create a safe, loving place in which they can grieve and heal.”
This year, in addition to the annual sales of the bluebird boxes, futures of a special vintage Gloria Ferrer 2011 WillMar Artist Series Pinot Noir were sold at a barrel tasting and vineyard tour in June. With only 100 cases to be bottled, this exclusive, handcrafted Pinot Noir yields from carefully tended estate Carneros vineyards. The purchased futures will be released in 2014 with original label artwork designed by young, talented WillMar artists. (You can order WillMar wine futures at the tasting room or by emailing special.events@gloriaferrer.com.) Copies of the artwork are available in the tasting room and all proceeds will go to the WillMar Center.
Keeping WillMar Center operating is truly a community effort. Another example of this is demonstrated by Sondra Bernstein, owner of the girl & the fig in Sonoma. For the restaurant’s 15 year anniversary, Bernstein, along with her staff, decided that, in lieu of a party, they’d select a Sonoma nonprofit group to receive a $15,000 donation. She provided each staff member with a list of six nonprofits in the area and they voted anonymously.
In the restaurant’s September newsletter, it was announced they’d chosen WillMar Family Grief & Healing Center to receive the funds. “We’re so happy to be able to give back to such an amazing and important organization in our community after 15 years of business here in Sonoma. WillMar Family Grief & Healing Center provides compassionate peer group support for children, teens and their family members grieving the death of an important person in their life, and for youth and adults living with a family member suffering from a life-changing illness or injury. In addition to the safe, healing environment offered at the center, WillMar also provides emergency, on-site grief support, education and training to schools and the community at large,” it says.
Mike and Mary Benziger of Benziger Family Winery in Glen Ellen are big supporters of the center as well. To help with the continuation of the WillMar artist series, they’ll be hosting a benefit for WillMar on March 23 in conjunction with their annual Barcelona in the Barn Paella Feast celebration. “What [WillMar is] doing for the community is so important, and we’re proud to support their efforts,” says Mary Benziger.
WillMar Center also recently received a $25,000 grant from the New York Life Foundation to create a GriefReach pilot program to provide grief support during the school day within three Sonoma Valley elementary schools. Working collaboratively with school administration, teaching staff and parents, the program will become an integral part of the school district’s system of support for its children and families.
Healing and acceptance
While death and dying are, for many people, the ultimate trauma, people can experience similar emotional upsets when dealing with many of life’s unexpected challenges, especially if they’re confronting something difficult for the first time. The WillMar Center supports individuals who are going through these experiences as well, and not only helps them cope with the situation, but facilitates the process of getting to the other side of the grief that’s present. This, ultimately, leads to acceptance and a renewal, with the awareness that life is a gift that needs to be appreciated each and every day. Those who participate also gain understanding in the importance of community.
Whether you’re the executive director, a counselor, a volunteer or donor—or even the writer or reader of this article—it’s a personal story because all of us, at one time or another, have this type of experience in our lives. It’s a true blessing to know the WillMar Family Grief & Healing Center is there for you, your family and friends.
