“Don’t worry, be happy” is a quote from Meher Baba that was popularized in the 1988 song by musician Bobby McFerrin. I remember it well from a “singing trout” I gave my fisherman uncle on his 80th birthday. But what if the realities of aging get in the way? Professionals who work with seniors and their adult children often struggle with how to help their clients or patients before a crisis occurs. Workshops or presentations designed to encourage planning for the future are often poorly attended by both demographics. Why? Perhaps they’re in denial that these issues are real. Or they’re too busy with the demands of life to take time to be educated or plan. (Is ignorance really bliss?) Perhaps it’s because they truly feel helpless to change the situation and don’t want to get more depressed than they already are.
Today’s baby boomers often struggle with the needs of aging parents and loved ones, at the same time, they also want to support their own adult children—or even grandchildren—who may need help in some way, particularly in challenging economic times. The “sandwich generation” is becoming a double-decker!
Many adult children are blindsided by the issues they face with aging loved ones, such as dwindling finances, dementia, social isolation, long-distance relationships, vulnerability to elder abuse and an increasingly frail elderly population living well into its 90s. Elders may reach a point where they can no longer live safely at home without assistance but won’t ask for help and aren’t ready to “give up the keys” (to either the car or the front door). As life expectancy increases, a growing number of seniors are also at risk of outliving their financial resources. Planning is critical.
Believe me, I can relate. My fiercely independent father in Wisconsin, a retired physician, also experienced an acute health event at age 89, which blindsided his five children—we did our best to help him through what became a seven-year decline until his passing last summer.
My Uncle Jim died at age 90 and Aunt Ruth was on her own until a tumble in 2007 sent her to the hospital and rehab with a fractured pelvis and upper arm. She wanted to give up, but as durable power of attorney (800 miles away), I intervened and scrambled to find the resources I needed to find her a “home away from home.” At age 93, with macular degeneration and a long recovery ahead, she couldn’t return to her former life. Ruth was very social, but private and mentally sharp, so I didn’t want her to remain in a skilled nursing setting for the rest of her life. Fortunately for me, I eventually found the professionals I needed to help me and my aunt navigate this difficult life transition.
My experience with Aunt Ruth became the “perfect storm,” launching my career as an eldercare adviser helping other families navigate this transition. Most of the people I know who work with seniors have their own stories to share.
After attending a presentation in Marin County in late 2011, which featured brief skits that were both humorous and reality-based to convey the challenges of an aging population, I became excited about the opportunity to educate families in a similar way here in Sonoma County. Before the week was out, I started to recruit trusted colleagues across disciplines to join me in doing just that. I wanted professionals who could relate to the issues we’d address, both personally and professionally. Of course, I also wanted collaborators who were creative, had a willingness to “perform” and were ready to have some fun with audiences while also sharing important information. Soon, we identified our first audience and we’ve been presenting ever since. After grappling with what to call ourselves for some time, we agreed on “The Third Act,” with the tagline, “Finish Well!”
The art of storytelling has seemingly faded from our busy, technology-driven lives, and comic relief is sorely needed in the midst of uncertainty and turmoil. We have rich material to share, loosely based on true stories, and are continually working on new skits to reach different audiences. Titles such as “Family Feud” and “Hitchcock Revisited” convey the conflicts that often emerge around health, financial and housing discussions, as well as the potential horror if issues aren’t addressed until it’s too late. In an era of reality TV, we present audiences with a glimpse of our reality as professionals working with aging adults and their family members. More important, we offer audiences valuable resources, so when they’re ready to act, they’ll be prepared to help both loved ones and themselves.
Already, we’re making a difference based on feedback from presentations to date, many of which have been delivered to local service clubs. We’ll also be reaching out to faith communities and are scheduled to present to a large local employer in April at its employee wellness fair. Other companies have also expressed interest in bringing our message to their employees in a “brown bag lunch” format. As a former human resources executive, I’m well aware of the family stressors that can impact the workplace, and as the children of seniors from the “silent generation,” our presenters want boomers (and ultimately all adult children) to be well prepared to help their parents finish well. We also want to encourage them to plan for their own Third Act.
Most of our current collaborators are members of the Sonoma County Section on Aging, a professional networking and resource-sharing group that meets monthly. Areas of expertise include home safety/Lifeline, conflict resolution/coaching, retirement and estate planning, elder abuse prevention, home preservation, care and housing options for seniors, downsizing/moving, hospice and insurance planning. We don’t pretend to have all the answers, but we know where to find them if they exist!
We’re an increasingly organized cast of professional characters, very much committed to helping audiences throughout Sonoma County better prepare themselves and loved ones for the Third Act of life, one entertaining presentation at a time.
Eloise Tweeten is founding president of Tweeten Eldercare Advisors. You can reach her at (707) 570-2589 or Eloise@tweeteneldercare.com for more information or to schedule a free presentation.
