Last month, I brought up the topic of labels and their importance in selling wine. I guess my favorite question to start with is: What does a humorous label on a wine bottle imply to you about quality? If you chuckle when you read it, do you really think you’re going to get a great wine? I should point out that, more than 90 percent of the time, the wines usually cost less that $15 and, although entirely wrong, you, the public, equate wine price with wine quality. I’ve said many times that price is a function of availability (or at least perceived availability), not of quality. It’s like many things in life—if it’s hard to get, the price goes up.
Here’s a list of some of the “humorous” labels I’ve come across during the last couple of years: Hard to Hoe, Group Therapy, Tickle Me, Pretty in Pink, Buck Naked, Mommy Juice, Mad Housewife, Shameless Hussy, Plungerhead, Happy Bitch, Cool Splash-Hot Flash and Burning Desire. You get my idea that these aren’t traditional labels or brands. I ask again: Does having a funny or cutesy label imply lower quality? It might be somewhat true that the wine with less than traditional labels might, (I say might) be a little lower quality than a $75 bottle of a given wine—but not all of the time.
By taking the stuffiness away, wine consumers can use it as a beverage for everyday relaxation. The younger generation (millennials) is into seeking fun, and alternative labels lend themselves to that (think Horse’s Ass, Dancing Coyote and the Frisky Zebra). And I might add that the new rich tend to understate their wealth, which gives them the luxury of not having to brag to their peers by having only high-end wines to stroke their egos. “Come on, let’s unscrew a bottle of wine and sit and enjoy our company.” Along with this more relaxed atmosphere, we don’t need to have exactly the right glass for the right wine. Remember that paper cups, plastic glasses, water glasses and straws all let you consume liquid.
I once heard a younger friend say to me, “I don’t want to look stodgy and old fashioned when I drink.” I thought that was a very relevant statement and I loved it as well as related to it. I don’t want to look like I’m drinking a cup of tea with my pinkie out but rather would like to look relaxed and enjoy my beverage of choice.
The critter labels got their start with Australian imports, the most prominent being Yellow Tail, followed by the Little Penguin and a bunch from d’Arenberg Winery in Adelaide with Stump Jump, Lucky Lizard, The Bling Tiger and The Laughing Magpie. Other Aussies followed and it went well for a while, but they suddenly found themselves buried in the low-end tier and their great wines were lost in the shuffle. They’re still digging themselves out of that hole and the current money exchange rate should help them in the near future.
I suppose, in my sick mind, my favorite down-under label is actually from New Zealand: Cat Pee on a Gooseberry Bush (our government wanted them to change pee to phee). Doesn’t that sound like good old BATF, now called TTB, but equally ridiculous? I wish they’d change philosophies when they change names. Take the CDFG (California Department of Fish and Game), that’s now called CDFW (California Fish and Wildlife), which still doesn’t think of any consequences when making decisions.
I guess I can’t really miss this opportunity to ask what in the world the California Alcohol Beverage Control (ABC) is thinking when not letting amateur wines be used at fund-raisers. It’s kept its head turned in the past, so I ask two questions: Why decide to enforce it now, and/or why didn’t it spearhead a move to change it? Is it trying to justify its own existence? If something isn’t really right, or at least doesn’t seem right, why not change it? Now, will our local legislature actually try to get at least something done this term and change the law? It may be a long shot with its history of doing something (right or wrong), however, but we can always pray logic will win out.
Back to labels and what they tell us. Some are places, such as Highway 12, Route 128, Matanzas Creek, Taft Street, Kenwood, Alexander Valley and so on. Others are strange in their meaning such as Horse and Plow, Red Truck, Hook and Ladder, Chainsaw and such. I think many of the new names are results of dreams, or maybe nightmares, and maybe daydreaming. The only limitation seems to be one’s imagination.
One might think that coming up with a new label is relatively easy, but it’s far more difficult than you might imagine. First, you need to do a thorough search of records to be sure someone hasn’t already come up with your idea. One would be totally surprised by the number of copyrighted names that aren’t even used. When working with a group—family, friends, partners—total agreement will never be reached, so it’ll be compromise time. I’d be in deep trouble using a family name. Thomas Cellars has nothing good about it, but how about Big Dickie Cellars? What would TTB do about that? It’s probably no worse than Well Hung Winery from Virginia (it really exists).
By the way, Big Dickie Cellars would only produce Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Gris, Zinfandel and Shiraz, all in screw caps and maybe a straw attached like Capri Sun. Also, every label would be readable by us older folks with big print and no colors that hide each other like red or gold on black. Take a walk down a Safeway wine aisle and see how many are hard, if not impossible, to read. Then look at Costco and see the value of adequate light to read in. I hope you had fun at the Harvest Fair and that you try a few critter wines at home. You might even enjoy them.
