[Or how to be dead wrong in public.]
The New Year is to regular people what spring training is to baseball fans. It’s fresh and pristine, a sparkling clean slate on which you can write an original chapter in your life’s story.
Or spray-paint graffiti.
Anything is possible. The New Year has 366 days worth of limitless potential stretching out in front of you like a double-jointed diva doing yoga.
But while the year brings with it infinite possibilities, it also totes some baggage. Ours is a society that honors tradition and believes in ceremony. Hence, we bid adieu to the old year and welcome the new with a tradition known as New Year’s Eve. Custom dictates we gather with friends or sometimes well-dressed strangers, drink too much and, at the stroke of midnight, gaze adoringly at our mate—or, failing that, an attractive stranger within reach—and plant a kiss.
The ceremony normally comes January 1—the inaugural day of the year. One sleeps late, delaying the possible pain that may follow a festive evening celebrating beyond common sense. Then there’s much football to be watched and sloth to enjoy. At some point, pizza may be involved.
Another tradition is the New Year’s Resolution, a solemn vow to improve one’s life in any number of ways. Sometimes it’s a practical idea, like arriving at work on time so as to curry favor with your boss. It can also be the polar opposite of that notion; that is, to leave the office on time so as to gain points with your family and rebuild a personal life. One of the most popular resolutions is to lose weight by eating right and by getting plenty of exercise.
This leads us to another popular tradition, the broken resolution. In the case of the loss of weight resolution, the break occurs when one of three things happens: one fails at the very well-intentioned resolution in spite of a clear effort to succeed; one fails because one was tempted beyond all human limits by the pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer, a voice luring one to the Frigidaire, spoon in hand, with the siren call of Cookies and Cream; or one was never serious about the damn resolution in the first place. In fact, the resolution wasn’t even one’s idea; rather it was the work of somebody who thought it was a good idea.
And, of course, that person was wrong.
This brings us to perhaps the most important of New Year’s traditions, the prediction. Convention dictates that these prognostications come from experts in their field. Those asked to tell the future are regarded as vessels of wisdom. Their vision is prized and their forecasts are thought to carry weight of an almost mystical importance.
But NorthBay biz couldn’t find anybody like that, so I’m doing it.
Not that I’m completely without chops. For instance, last year, I predicted Genetic Savings & Clone would go out of business. The Sausalito company, founded on the idea of cloning pets, called it quits in October. Please note I also predicted that Britney and K Fed wouldn’t last and that the San Francisco Giants would say hasty lumbago to Barry Bonds.
With that solid track record behind me, I’m releasing my picks for the year of our Lord 2008 FREE of charge, though I do have other predictions available at my website www.deadsolidstonecoldleadpipelocks.com. We accept all major credit cards, operators are standing by.
The following predictions are for entertainment purposes only, no wagering please.
January 2008
Though public sentiment is against it, the Golden Gate Bridge Highway and Transportation District announces a multi-year corporate sponsorship deal with GlaxoSmithKline, the maker of the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra.
The bridge district, faced with a projected $80 million deficit over a five-year period, has been on the hunt for a corporate advertising partner who could help mop up some of the red ink.
General Manager Ceilia Kupersmith tells a clutch of reporters at a press conference, “We were looking for a sponsor that’s rock solid and we’ve been impressed with Viagra’s performance. Viva Viagra.”
A spokesperson for the pharmaceutical company said a whole advertising campaign is being built around the famed bridge. “Just as our drug brings people together in a straightforward manner, the bridge brings San Francisco and Marin together to make a solid connection. Our first commercial will feature a couple crossing the bridge, hand in hand, gazing into each other’s eyes and then entering the Waldo Tunnel—repeatedly.”
February 2008
Santa Rosa’s TV50 celebrates one year of news-free broadcasting. Many predicted doom when the plucky station owned by media giant Clear Channel Communications shut down its news department. But those naysayers certainly underestimated the public’s thirst for the hilarity and hijinks of “Still Standing” and the romance of “Blind Date.”
When TV50 pulled the plug on its news programming, general manager John Burgess told the Press Democrat, “Typically, news is decided by a news department, not a reader or viewer. We’re saying we’re going to flip that model. We want viewers to supply us with the content they want. It’s much like having a bunch of citizen journalists. Frankly, I think we’re going to do a much better job of covering local issues than we’re doing right now.”
Cynics wrote off Burgess’ idea as parent company Clear Channel cheaping out. After all, Clear Channel makes the late Jack Benny look like George Steinbrenner. Demonstrating the kind of cutting-edge flexibility modern TV requires, TV50 shelved the citizen journalists idea in favor of paid programming and reruns.
Now that’s good TV.
March 2008
In a bold political statement, the Napa City Council adopts Michael Chiarello as official “Favorite Son.” The creator of “Napa Style,” Chiarello was given the largely symbolic title as a reward for promoting a positive identity for Napa.
Presenting Chiarello with a key to the city as well as a sash reading “Favorite Son,” Mayor Jill Techel tells those gathered in the city council chambers, “Michael has helped paint a picture of Napa and those who live here. His products, from the Madeira Wine Tasting Chair for just $1,100 to the thirsty Radiant Tea Towels for $56, demonstrate that we who live in Napa have a taste for gracious living. Plus the three-speed Opa Bicycle from Holland for $998 is just a hoot to ride. Thank you, Michael.”
April 2008
Autodesk is well known for having an open door policy when it comes to dogs. The company was the first in the country to have a “Bring your Dog to Work Day,” and many employees now routinely bring their dogs to the office.
So Autodesk has put in a cook-to-order café for man’s best friend. Called the “Doggie Diner,” employees can now order breakfast, lunch or dinner for their pets, as well as a midnight snack for those hanging with employees working late on projects.
As if an eatery complete with choice of still or carbonated water bowls wasn’t enough, employees can now order everything from facials to massages for their dogs at the Big Rub. The spa offers everything for the pampered pooch, from full-body shampoos to seaweed wraps.
CEO Carol Bartz explains, “Pets are very important to people in the North Bay, and this allows our employees to take good care of their dogs. It also gives them the freedom to work longer hours without rushing home to feed or walk their dogs.”
May 2008
The controversial Graton Rancheria Casino Resort in Rohnert Park will be a little bigger than originally planned. Besides the casino, hotel, spa and performing arts center, the tribe announces it will also include an amusement park and a shopping center.
The City of Rohnert Park, which has a $200 million, 20-year deal with the tribe, immediately questioned the additions. Observers said the council agreed to support the project when it was smaller, but the new project could require a rethinking of their position—or at the very least, a larger bag of cash.
Newly appointed City Manager Jimmie Rogers says that while the council had voted to support the controversial project, the enlarged project requires, “Larger support. As we all know, bigger is better and also more costly. We want a meeting with the tribe leadership about a new contract.”
Tribal elders pointed out the additions will be positive for the community. “The Barbara Boxer Water Slide and Animal Park will give kids someplace to go, and the mall will likely have a Macy’s,” says Tribe Chairman Greg Sarris. “Who doesn’t want a new Macy’s?”
June 2008
The culinary reputation of the Napa Valley is sure to grow this month as chef Thomas Keller opens his newest eatery, French Laundry Deux. The new restaurant, to be located in Santa Rosa, is aimed primarily at visitors to the valley. “To be honest with you, the locals were getting a little tired of listening to Martha and Herb from Dubuque struggle with what was in foie gras en terrine,” says a spokesperson for the five-star French Laundry.
The new eatery will also have an attached coin laundry where travelers can wash their clothes while dining, so they don’t have to tote a bag full of dirty laundry home. Patrons will also have the option of using a valet service. The new restaurant will have a $10 roll fee for patrons who insist on using their own quarters.
July 2008
Marin residents, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom and the Presidio Foundation were shocked to learn that George Lucas has decided to bring his companies back to Marin, giving up the made-to-order digs at the Presidio. The press-shy Lucas declined comment, and calls to the company were not returned.
Rumors have been flying for weeks that something was up in the land of “Star Wars.” Lucas has been spotted taking meetings at Spanky’s in Fairfax as well huddling with Marin commercial real estate agents at Sam’s in Tiburon.
One source within the Lucas inner circle told NorthBay biz, “George feels like moving into the Presidio was going over to the Dark Side. He wants to get back to his Marin roots.”
August 2008
For years, Kendall-Jackson Chardonnay has been the safe choice for those who were somewhat wine-challenged. Whether it was wine by the glass in a restaurant or a bottle to bring as a gift, the buttery white wine was recognized worldwide.
So wine buffs were surprised when Kendall-Jackson founder Jess Jackson announced his winery will no longer produce America’s most popular wine, Kendall-Jackson Vintner’s Reserve Chardonnay. “We’ve been at it since 1983, and I get tired of taking the rap for oaky Chardonnays. It isn’t like we invented barrels.”
Jackson wouldn’t say what his next challenge might be, though one persistent rumor claims he’s interested in buying TV50 and turning it into the Wine Channel.
September 2008
Citing strategic growth opportunities as well as burgeoning demographics, the Napa Valley Wine Train announced a merger with Sonoma’s Train Town. Though financial details of the acquisition weren’t released, sources close to the deal put the sales figure north of $100.
Initial indications are that staffs for the two attractions will remain largely unchanged. Wall Street analysts’ reactions to the deal were mixed. “I see the economy of scales helping to bring costs under control, but I don’t know if there are enough synergies in the long run,” says John Weider of Bank of America Securities. “I’d like to see more passengers crossover.” Bev Kelly of UBS was more succinct: “Without Thomas the Train in the mix, I think earnings may be a disappointment.”
Mark McDowell, 6, of Petaluma, says he likes the deal. “I want to ride the other train, only I don’t want to get all dressed up. Also, they need to serve grilled cheese and hot dogs on the grown-up train.”
October 2008
Fireman’s Fund will begin marketing a unique line of new insurance products for everyday life. The coverages will have nothing to do with cars or homes or even health products. Rather, customers will now be able to buy protection from annoying everyday occurrences. But the occurrence must be an accident.
For instance, your mother-in-law shows up unannounced and uninvited to your birthday party and proceeds to get all lit up like a Christmas tree, offering lap dances to your boss. If you have Fireman’s Fund Horrible Holiday coverage, you collect hard cash.
Or let’s say you have front row seats for Opening Day, Giants vs. Dodgers. And the guy in the seat next to you spends the entire game either on the phone talking to friends who see him on TV, or explaining the game to you and his girlfriend. And he is an idiot. And a Dodger fan. Alas, I repeat myself.
If you have Opening Day coverage, you have money coming back to you (after covering a deductible equal to the cost of your first beer).
November 2008
The City of Santa Rosa announces that the fifth attempt at a high-rise project in the city looks solid. The quest for a major building that includes a residential and office component that looked out of reach now seems on track.
The latest attempt to build a large-scale project downtown received a green light from design review after the city council and developer decided to include a 13th floor. “We aren’t going to be scared off by a little superstition,” says Mayor Bob Blanchard. He adds, “If the financing and cost overrun projections don’t scare us, we aren’t going to worry about cracked mirrors or black cats.”
The project is set to break ground April 1 of next year.
December 2008
Napa County Comcast residents are receiving an early holiday gift as the cable giant announces a new plan to actually roll back the cost of cable. “A recent survey showed that the cable company ranked below the media, congress and lawyers in terms of popularity and trust,” says Comcast spokesman Andrew Johnson. “That got our attention, so we thought we might try an experiment to see how customers reacted.”
Johnson says Napa was chosen as a test market for the rollback because of its size.
Subscribers have mixed feelings. “It’s nice,” said Susie Kirkus, 37, of American Canyon. “But I’m calling Ripley’s Believe It or Not, all the same.”
So there you have them, a dozen dead-on predictions for next year. I make Nostradamus look like he’s licking his finger and sticking it in the air on a breezy day.
There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. n
Bill Meagher is a regular contributor to NorthBay biz. His last story, on open space, appeared in the December issue. He also pens the monthly column “Only in Marin.”
